


Unbecoming

by FernStone



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beelzebub POV, Dealing With Emotions Badly, Memory Loss, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Other, Pining, Post-Fall (Good Omens), Pre-Fall (Good Omens), Probably ooc, The Demons Remember, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Unbeta'd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 22:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20454701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FernStone/pseuds/FernStone
Summary: I lost myself into the nightAnd I flew higherThan I had everBeelzebub has memories from before the fall.Gabriel does not.I clipped my wings and fell from flightTo open water(Title and Lyrics from the song by Starset)





	Unbecoming

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first oneshot I've ever written! Honestly I normally can only ever write really long stories so go me xD I was p inspired for it and have been solidly writing it the past few days. Though I have also been doing my Highschool AU on the side, so that should be updated soonish.
> 
> Anyway, I didn't get this beta'd cause I'm lacking in confidence about my writing atm so I was scared of criticism.
> 
> Also, this might be quite OOC sorry about that! Also it's been a while since I've written anything this short but hopefully the pacing isn't too off. I'm pretty proud of it honestly

_ And I swam in the wakes of imposters _

_ Just to feel what it's like to pretend _

They remembered the fear, the screams and the burning as they fell. The pain from their wings being torn off, their name and identity ripped from them. Screaming and begging, but still falling. Then the landing, crashing into the depths of hell. 

But they also have memories from before. They remembered the lush gardens in the soft evening light. The strolls they used to take, never alone. He was always by their side. Hands clasped and fingers entwined. They could talk for hours on end, their own melodic laughter dancing with his lower tones. Or they would just sit in silence. Comfortable, it was always so comfortable. 

They had loved him. More than an angel was meant to love anyone, more than they did God, the kind of feelings that just grew and grew until you felt like you were flying. And he had loved them too.

They remembered the arguments. The questions they had wanted to ask as he discouraged them. You'll get hurt, he'd said with a sad look in his violet eyes. They'd ignored that. What was the harm in asking? Wanting to know something so simple. Why was a plan so great if they didn't even know what it was? 

But it had caused them pain. It had lead to a Rebellion and then a fall.

It had led to losing him. 

* * *

Beelzebub had realised early into their time as a Demon, new Prince of Hell, that the angels didn't remember. Yes, they had memories before the fall. But they didn't remember the people from then - or if they did, they didn't know what they'd become or what had happened to them. 

Only the Demons remembered.

It was painful. Almost more painful than the fall itself when they'd first seem him and there'd been nothing more than hate in his eyes, not a hint of recognition. Yes, they were on opposite sides now. They were built to be enemies. But they'd held out some hope that maybe he'd remember. 

So they'd cast out emotions. Let the hate fester within them until they became bitter. Until they could forget the feelings they had. They never fully forgot, it was always a painful reminder in the background. Worst than if they could forget entirely. At least then they wouldn't have so much anguish and emotions, and the hope hidden deep down. Such a silly thing, hope. Especially for a demon such as them to have. 

It was so much easier to be filled with hate. At god, at the world and at him. The smug bastard with no memories who thought himself above them all. Ah how much they'd like to drag him down to their level. 

* * *

After 6000 years they'd moved on. They truly lived up to their title as Prince of hell, Lord of the flies. They were ruthless and brutal. Emotions weren't something they felt except for hatred - if one could even call it that. 

Then Armageddon didn't happen. All those years of planning for nothing, the anticipation of a war that would finally see the Demons destroy the angels once and for all. All because of an angel and Demon (if they could even be called that anymore) liking earth a little too much. And maybe each other too. 

Beelzebub was almost jealous. Almost. 

What made matters worse was who heaven sent to deal with all this. Seeing _ him _standing there at the airbase was almost too much for them. It had already been a long day. But they'd carried on, even if the world hadn't ended like it should have. 

Of course, he was also the one they had to meet afterwards when the two sides were trying to sort everything out. They couldn't very well have a war, but they couldn't just carry on like before. There was so much paperwork. 

And of course it was Archangel fucking Gabriel who was sent. 

A typical, cruel twist of fate. 

* * *

"This paperwork is all wrong."

Gabriel leaned over them, unaware of just how much they were in Beelzebub's space, and pointed at one of the papers on the desk. They resisted the urge to snarl at him. 

It had been a few months since Armageddon hadn't happened and they'd started having weekly meetings to consolidate paperwork and sort out some kind of deal between the two sides. They always met on earth, as it was technically neutral ground, and would normally find some kind of office room they could miracle into. At first the two had continuously argued and butted heads, but they'd fallen into some kind of begrudging partnership. They both had a good work ethic after all even if they were enemies. 

Beelzebub hated how much they were beginning to enjoy his company again. It reminded them of the past they'd cast away. They hated remembering.

“Yes, I know,” they let out an irritated sigh. “We didn’t have the correct records to complete it.”

Gabriel let out a long hum, picking up the offending paperwork. It only took a moment of him reading it and a wave of the hand for it to be changed. “There.”

He was certainly efficient. Always had been, but he’d gotten better over the years. Having to run the show in heaven most of the time had probably done that. Just like for Beelzebub down below - Lucifer may be in charge, but he sure as hell didn’t do any paperwork. That was all left to them. 

They shook their head slightly and ran a hand through greasy hair. “This is too much for us to do in one day. I’ve got other duties to attend to.”

“I agree,” Gabriel nodded. There was a shock, the two of them rarely agreed. “Why don’t we meet again tomorrow?”

“Same time and place?”

Gabriel nodded again, this time with a smile on his lips. It was an attractive look on him. An almost genuine smile. They quickly pushed that thought again. “See you then, Beelz.”

“Call me that again and I will discorporate you,” they snapped, but without much bite in it as they felt a hateful flare of hope in their stomach.

When had they gotten to the point of using nicknames for each other?

Pushing down the thoughts and feelings, and before they did anything stupid, Beelzebub sunk down into the ground.

* * *

Beelzebub and Gabriel had been meeting up for months. The collaborative work they’d needed to do had reduced but they always managed to find something else.

If Beelzebub didn’t know better they’d begin thinking that Gabriel liked their company. But they were sure he was just keeping tabs on them. Time spent together was less time Beelzebub spent tempting or ordering others to do their demonic duties. But it didn’t start the warm feeling in their chest. _ Emotions _. Such hateful things they’d tried to avoid for so long.

But of course he was bringing them back out.

“Let’s go for dinner,” Gabriel announced one evening that they were slowly going through one file that really didn’t need any changes. 

“But you don’t like to sully yourself with human food,” Beelzebub mimicked the Archangel's voice while staring at him suspiciously. What was he playing at.

“You do and we’ve been working for a while.”

“We’ve barely done anything.”

“Yes, well, I’m curious about what humans find so interesting about going out for meals with others.”

Somehow, Beelzebub was sure it was an excuse. But they just nodded and gave in. It was just a meal what could the harm be? They were already spending more time together than they should be. More time than Beelzebub had ever hoped for, since they’d fallen.

They’d only get hurt again.

They knew that, yet still they kept seeing him. They wanted to make the most of this time before he threw them away. Things were different from what they’d been like then. Beelzebub was stronger. They were just getting something out of this arrangement. 

Yes, that was it.They were indulging themselves by spending time with someone they’d once been close with. That was it.

No connections, no feelings. 

They were both silent as they entered the streets - it was a comfortable silence. It was late evening and quiet enough. There were bound to be some places still open. Beelzebub was tempted to take Gabriel to a fast food place just to see the look on his face. Honestly they enjoyed the food in those places too - quick and greasy, it was the kind of sinful thing a demon would go for. 

Yes, fast food sounded nice actually. They couldn't wait to drag Gabriel into a McDonald's and watch how his face fell. He'd look so out of place in his suit as well. 

They were so caught up in the thought of messing with him that they didn't notice the curb, embarrassingly going over their ankle and falling. 

Except they didn't hit the floor like they expected too, caught before they could miracle themselves out of the situation. 

Gabriel looked a mixture of bemused and confused, his arm now looped around Beelzebub's waist to stop them falling over. They'd fully expected him to just watch and probably laugh. But instead he’d caught them and was now far too close. 

And not letting go of them. Beelzebub would be lying to themselves if they said the arm around them didn't feel nice, and familiar, but that was exactly the problem. Don't get attached again. 

But he'd stopped them from falling. A little ironic considering he hadn't saved them when it had really mattered. 

"Somehow, this feels familiar," Gabriel tilted his head, confusion becoming more clear. Beelzebub froze. No, they couldn't deal with this. 

"Why would it feel familiar," they snapped. 

"I don't know." There was a soft look in his eyes, they kind of look that had gotten through to them in the first place before. They found that they preferred the hatred. 

Better that than someone that still didn't remember but was beginning to care. 

"I think I would remember if we'd been in this position before," he wore something close to a smirk. The teasing didn't irritate Beelzebub like it normally would. I made them feel too raw. 

"Well it never happened," they didn't hold back the slight growl in their voice, finally snapping out of it enough to shake off his arm. "I have somewhere to go." 

They knew they were running away, but they couldn't bring themselves to care as the left with the smell of burning and sulphur. 

It reminded them of the fall and why they couldn't grow attached again. 

* * *

_ You always knew me _

_ And you laugh as I search for a harbor _

_ As you point where the halo had been _

_ But the light in your eyes has been squandered _

_ There's no angel in you in the end _

* * *

Beelzebub avoided Gabriel as much as he could after that. It was surprisingly easily now that they had very little crossover work wise. Everything had settled down after the world hadn’t ended. Demons and angels were back to their normal ways of thwarting each other.

Weekly meetings went to monthly, and then stopped. 

They had no more business with each other. That was all that they’d been seeing him for. Nothing more. They hadn’t started to take comfort in his presence. Not at all.

That was what they told themselves, of course, even as they’re mood grew more and more foul the longer they didn’t see him. Other demons started to avoid them were possible. Even Dagon looked absolutely terrified the last time she’d handed in reports. 

It was just an off period, was what they told themselves. It had happened many times in the past. Anyway, most of their tiny body was made up of anger and hatred.

The was why they’d taken a temptation on earth. It was simple enough, but just pushing someone to do terrible things would make them feel better. It always did. It would take their mind off the thoughts they didn’t want to have. 

Yet they found their thoughts drifting as they watched their mark through the writhing crowds in a seedy nightclub. Normally they loved places like this. So much temptation, dark deeds and dirty actions. But today none of it was having the normal effect.

They downed the drink in their hand before pushing through the sweaty bodies, nose wrinkling in disgust. They really did hate humans. 

They made it outside into an equally dingy alleyway and leant against the wall. They relished in the quiet. Sure there was a couple going at it a bit away but it was a massive difference from inside. They were of half a mind to abandon this job. This kind of thing was below them - they’d chosen to do it as stress relief. It wasn’t exactly helping for that. 

“Beelzebub?”

Exactly the voice of the person they didn’t want to see.

“Archangel Gabriel,” Beelzebub kept their voice calm, cool and the complete opposite of how they felt. “You’ve lowered yourself a bit to be in a place like this.”

They gestured to the couple fumbling at each other and the only other person around, who was shooting up with something. Gabriel’s lips curled into a look of distaste. 

“I can’t say I would choose to be here, but orders from above. What a coincidence for you to be here.”

“Isn’t it just.” Beelzebub kept the sarcasm out of their voice while silently cursing God. This was probably some kind of fated meeting meant to further their pain. They wouldn’t put it past their almighty creator. 

Gabriel let out a low hum, moving in closer. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Beelzebub denied it immediately, pushing off the wall and turning to face him properly. “We have no more need to meet each other. All the paperwork was finished. In case you’ve forgotten, we’re enemies.”

Gabriel let out a laugh, a low laugh that reverberated into Beelzebub’s ears. “I know. But the rules have relaxed a little on that, haven’t they?”

It was true, since the two traitors had skipped off into some kind of sappy life together there’d been less enforcement in the whole fraternising thing. After all they’d had a common goal of war then. But even so, there was little interaction between the two sides. They still hated each other's guts. 

“That doesn’t change anything.”

“You’re saying we’re nothing more than business partners?” 

“Yes.” Beelzebub could feel their flies crawling around their hair, buzzing quietly in a threat that punctuated their sharp word. It was almost comforting.

Gabriel just smiled slightly, leaning forward so that his face was only a few inches away from Beelzebub’s. “Something’s been off, Beelz.” Louder buzzing at the nickname use. “I’ve been around you long enough to tell now.”

“I haven’t changed. Emotions are a weakness and not something someone like me would feel.”

“Then why do you look so scared.”

Beelzebub froze. How could he see that, the one emotion they kept locked so deep down inside. The fear of pain, being hurt again. The fear of a loss they’d already felt so dearly.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He leaned closer. “I do. I can sense it.”

In a moment of panic, and lack of thought, Beelzebub pulled him into a kiss.

It was messy and desperate, all teeth clashing and lips mashed together. But they felt Gabriel lean into it. For a moment they poured all of their desperation, the want they’d kept within for 6000 years, into it. 

Then they regained their senses and pulled away.

“You will never speak of this to anyone and it will never happen again.”

“Agreed.”

They didn’t know what was worse, his instant agreement or the fact he hadn’t even put up a fight. 

* * *

Beelzebub was exhausted when they got back to hell. They didn't need to sleep but right now they needed to just skip a few hours without being conscious. 

They needed to forget the stupid decision they'd just made. They'd rectified it quickly but it still happened. They could change that. They would just have to avoid Gabriel from now on. 

Eternity was a long time to avoid someone. 

Of course, even their sleep couldn't be peaceful. 

They dreamt. 

_ The sun was a gentle highlight on soft grass, a light breeze enough to stop it’s heat. The gardens were beautiful. Just as all of heaven was. _

_ Laughter rang through the peace and whispered voices. It was calm, tranquil. _

_ They stopped laughing eventually, leaning their head against his shoulder. “Oh Gabriel, you’re such an idiot.” _

_ “Only when I’m with you,” Gabriel smiled back, violet eyes shining and arm wrapping around the smaller angel beside him. They gave out a little huff but didn’t complain. Instead they just moved closer, head slipping down from shoulder to his chest. Curled up against him they felt content. Safe. _

_ “Of course, can’t have anyone knowing that an Archangel is this soft. You have to keep up the intimidating illusion.” _

_ “Like they would be any less shocked to see you like this,” Gabriel teased, gently tapping their nose. They scrunched it up and made a face, but were too happy to get annoyed. _

_ “See, the difference is that I don’t care what they think.” _

_ “You’d just glare them into submission.” His smile was blinding even in the face of one of the mentioned glares. It was the kind that lit up his beautiful eyes and drew them further in. It made them feel all warm. _

_ Blushing slightly, they rolled over so they could put their own arms around him. Then, out of the blue, they said. “I want to do this forever.” _

_ “We can,” came the genuine response. They knew he believed it. They could feel the love radiating off him. They were sure they felt the same to him. This was all they wanted. Peaceful eternity with the one they loved. _

_ “Well, we could have.” _

_ The scene changed, a dark ooze spreading out from them and infecting what once had been soft grass. There was a burning heat and an acrid taste in their throat. Screams reached their ears and it took them moments to realise it was their own. _

_ They reached out for him, but his eyes had turned cold. There wasn't any love in them anymore. Only disgust and hatred. _

_ Pain ripped through their soul. _

Beelzebub woke with a gasp, sweat dripping down their forehead. They felt a shadow pain where their wings had been - old scars that rarely bothered them anymore. They’re face felt like it was on fire, new boils having formed all over. 

They ran a hand through their hair, slowing down their breathing. This was why they hadn’t wanted to get attached again. They didn’t want to remember.

Beelzebub cursed the day that Gabriel had stepped back into their life. 

* * *

It was thankfully easy to avoid Gabriel now that they had no business together. Beelzebub avoided leaving hell entirely, going about their normal duties as if nothing had ever happened.

They didn’t ever sleep. It was good they didn’t need to. 

It was just another day of paperwork, dull pain and boredom drilling into their head. The monotony of their days was beginning to get to them. It had been before. But then there’d been a goal - the end of the world and the war. Now there was nothing.

A bright flash of purple temporarily blinded them. They froze, breathing quickening slightly before they forced themselves to calm down.

Why the fuck was he here in the one place they’d though they were safe from him. They took their time as they stood up and turned to face him, ignoring the harrowed look on his face.

“I would say welcome to Hell, but I don’t think you’re all to welcome down here, Archangel Gabriel.” Keeping their voice cold, not a single tremor to it. Not like how they were shaking internally. 

“I looked through the files on the fallen,” Gabriel completely ignored everything they’d said. Beelzebub clasped their hands together to stop them from shaking. Heaven had kept files like that. 

“Yes, what of it?”

Gabriel’s face softened a little, anguish breaking through along with something else. Recognition? No that couldn’t be it. “I found your file.”

Their heart sank. Now he’d know. Who they’d been, their role in the fall. Their relationship before. Exactly what they’d become and sacrificed. 

“Why did you not tell me?” There was anger in those eyes now, clashing with the other strong emotions. A storm in them that Beelzebub hadn’t seen since right before they’d fallen. When Gabriel had warned them against everything they’d done. “You remembered, didn’t you? Why didn’t tell me that you were-”

“You didn’t remember,” Beelzebub cut them off, feeling sick. They didn’t want to hear that name again. Especially not from him. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Why should I have?”

“Because we knew each other before…” Gabriel trailed off, seeming uncertain of himself for once. If the situation was different Beelzebub might have laughed. “We were close.”

“Close?” Beelzebub couldn’t help the slight bitter laugh that escape. “Oh, yes we were. Closer than you could even imagine. Does it disgust you that you were close with someone like me?”

Gabriel shook his head, and that just hurt them more. They wanted rejection. No this in between that they’d been in since the world didn’t end.

“I can remember some of it now.” A soft smile, but still filled with raw pain. Pain that had long since festered for Beelzebub. “We used to go to the gardens together just to be alone and we would sit for such a long time, just in each other’s company. I remember the feelings. We-”

“Don’t,” Beelzebub stopped him before he said something that would just make everything worse. It was already bad enough. “Don’t taunt me with things that I can’t have again. If you think for a minute you’re feeling pain, think again. I’ve always known. You may have lost your memories but I always _ fucking _knew. Do you have any idea how painful that was?”

“I don’t,” Gabriel shook his head again and took a step closer. Beelzebub trembled slightly. “But I remember now.”

“It doesn’t change anything.”

“It does.” Gently, as if they were fragile, he put his arms around them. They stiffened slightly. “I was already questioning my feelings but this knowledge has only confirmed them further.”

Beelzebub didn’t understand. They were enemies, they couldn’t be together. Gabriel couldn’t like them. They had expected it to be one sided until the day they died (if they ever did). They hadn’t expected to go back to what they had.

They couldn’t. Too much had changed.

“I didn’t realise how much pain you were in. I should have noticed and asked sooner. I could’ve found out sooner.”

“There was no reason for you to be concerned about.” Their words were so soft, so weak.

“But there was, there is.” His face shone with a caring look they’d never expected to see again. Not towards them. It was still tinged with pain and anguish at time lost. Things weren’t perfect, they never would be. They couldn’t just go back. But they could move on. “I’m sorry for not being there for you.”

And in that moment they broke.

In his arms they let it all out. They buried their face into his chest to hide the tears streaming down their pale face, gulping back sobs. Six hundred years of agony, of walls of emotionlessness and bitterness built, came crashing down on them. 

So weak. 

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you," they sobbed, words broken by emotion. They hated what he did to them. How he broke down the barriers they'd built up. Made them feel things they'd never meant to feel.

But they didn't hate him. They never had. 

He seemed to understand, or maybe he could feel it, a gentle hand running fingers through their hair. He held them closer. 

"I love you," Gabriel said, softly and confidently.

Beelzebub looked up, tear stained eyes meeting perfect violet ones. He really did, it was clear in the way he was looking at them. It was with a softness they hadn't seen since before.

That only made them cry more. They opened their mouth but choked on air as the words failed to get out. They couldn't say it. Not yet.

So instead they kissed him. It was desperate but full of emotion, using him as an anchor to hold them afloat. Reminding them that he was here and he wasn't leaving.

For the first time since the fall they allowed themselves to hope, and to feel.

_ They're all that I was _

_ And never could be _


End file.
